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7:11 a.m. - 2005-10-13
Organic Suckfest
So I was all set with an amusing story to post yesterday, but do to the fact that someone put a curse on my yesterday I was reduced to curling up in to the fetal position sucking my thumb underneath some computer desk until late last night. So here it is...new day, new chances...bla frickin bladiddy bla....just bring it bitches. Due to the fact I have the grace of a bowling ball, my little toe is still swollen to the size of an really white and pasty but really fat sausage. Dress shoes really aren't an option today. Go to grab a pair of jeans from the closet....perfect all dirty...just the way I wanted to start today.....so I did what every man has at sometime done. No not try on his wives clothes...I promptly dug through the dirty clothes basket, picked the pair that smelled the least like stale ass and threw those bitches in the drier. Problem solved...next task...wake the kids..done, so far so good pour some apple cracks ceral for the kids...done. I depart to my office and contemplate the meaning of life and read classic literature...ok, ok I was looking at porn while I'm waiting on my ass jeans to drier cleannthemselves...sounds good....life is good. When like the shrill sound of your mother in law in my ear I hear from the kitchen the all too familiar....DADDY she hit me...no he pushed me..bla bla bla bla bladiddy bla floopy di flop....I'm forced to depart the cornicopia of porn I have amassed in the past 20 minutes to mediate yet another argument. Perhaps I won't get the father of the year award for telling each of them that I'm not their real dad and I could easily sell them to the gypsies next door for some magic beans or their fat blind cat but it got me a few minutes of quite so I'll pass on the award. You know as I look down at my childern I have the following realization....I should have just jerked off in a sock instead of banging their mother it would have been cheaper and I would have fewer grey hairs. The dryer finally quits and it appears that enough of the dirty ass smell has been removed from my jeans so that I won't be able to smell myself all day. I make my way to the kitchen still checking my jeans for any signs of previous wear..you know dirt, food, samples of your dna on the crotch of your pants....Don't pretend like you haven't been there before! Finally my time....breakfast...most important meal of the day....not so fast...welcome to the wonderful world of organic cerial. Who ever knew there would be a market for packaged human feces at the breakfast table? mmm mmm good...the power of marketing. Really who am I fooling, like one bowl of "organic" crunch shit a day will make of for the 5 pounds of tacos and crunchy fat goat balls with sprinkles on it I'll be eating at some point throughout the day. Oh and by the by...another selling point for this wonder food....strait from the box..."it will keep you regular"...what this means to me....try like hell not to shit your pants before you leave the table. So as I leave to start off another day..doing my best not to get corn holed by the god of bad days I'll leave you with this quote from Robert Orben "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"..Later tater...Shizzle OUT!


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3:52 p.m. - 2005-10-11
Booby Trapped
I experienced something a couple of weeks ago that in all my 30....something years amazingly I have never experienced. Now let me preface this by saying I am far FAR from a prudish person. However, I was sitting in karate class waiting for one of my kids, minding my own business, staring at my feet thinking of how cool I once used to be when out of no where in my eagle like perifrial out pops a boob. Not mine mind you but a mother who happened to be sitting a few feet from me at the time. Now let me back up and mention again NOT a prude I'm all for spontaneous boob popage but I can count the times that has happened in my presence on one hand....ok ok one finger...alright it has never happened to me there I said it. Now that you know the exciting life I have led to this point on with the story. The mother had pulled her OMD (organic milk dispenser) from her shirt and began feeding her newborn...suck..suck..suck...wait what was I talking about again..oh yes public brest feeding. The more I tried not to look at the free, but slightly disturbing display of soft porn the more I kept finding reasons to contort my neck in an otherwise un-natural direction to catch a glimpse of bare booby. Looking back I kinda felt like a character in Seinfeld just in comic disbelief as to what I was witnessing. Just another day in the life of a playa, word up...Mshizzle Out! (That's for you Purplecigar)


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